I’ve reached a point where I get really irrationally annoyed if someone asks me a question which they could easily answer themselves by using Google.

I just don’t get it, Whiskey Women, what are iPhones for if not to save me from having to deal with annoying questions? Are you lost? Google your way home. Can’t figure out why your toilet won’t stop running? Google how to fix it. Need to know what $100 converts to in British Pounds Sterling? GOOGLE IT. Google even solves math problems! It is literally the biggest, most high-functioning brain in the world, but you’re asking me how to get from Main Street to the Chattanooga Whiskey Distillery? Seriously?

While sitting here trying to think of something to write about for you lovely female imbibers, I decided to take my own advice, and just fucking Google it. I ended up having a pretty interesting conversation with Google, thanks to its ‘suggested searches’ that pop up automatically when you first start to type in the search bar. (Spoiler alert: Google asks some really personal questions.) So this article is going to be a list, of sorts, of things Google thinks I should tell you; I’ll write the search term I use, then the response google gives me, followed by my answer. Try it sometime, with a glass of whiskey in hand to loosen you up; I think you may actually be surprised by what you learn about yourself. I certainly was.

1.Me: “Why aren’t you…”

Google: ‘Why aren’t you sweet like me?”

Well Google, you obviously have no issue jumping right into the heart of things. First, I think I’m pretty sweet, but admittedly I can’t list the lyrics to every love song in history in .0782 seconds, so I guess you’ve got me there. Sometimes I’m not sweet because I’m young and confused and I just don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I’ve been mean to myself and to other people, I’ve held grudges and I’ve stumbled headlong into bad relationships and stumbled headlong right away from good ones (sorry). I think that’s what everyone does for their entire life, really. We start out as Kool-Aid Kids and grow up into Whiskey Women, but we never really know what we’re doing at any point in time, or where we’re going, or what tomorrow will look like when we wake up in the morning. I think age just gives us the crutch of being better able to pretend we have it together in the face of all this madness.

I guess I’m not sweet like you because I’m alive, and sometimes I just can’t help but slip up, same as everyone else.

2. Me: “How do I…”

Google: “How do I love thee?”

Tough question. I honestly don’t know. Maybe I should think of a good answer to this question more often, maybe we all should. Maybe if we could all figure out how exactly we want to be loved, then we wouldn’t have to spend so much time not being loved well. Most of all, I think, we should ask ourselves this question, and spend a lot of time searching for the right answer. Wake up every morning and ask yourself, “how do I love thee?” and then try to do just that for yourself the rest of the day. If anything, hopefully you’ll get a nice dinner out of it.

3. Me: “Do I deserve…:

Google: “Do I deserve to die?”

Whoa, this just got heavy! First off, I agree with Gandalf on this one, and I don’t think it’s my place to decide who lives or dies in this world. Also, I’m pretty sure you help out a lot of people every day, Google. You’re there when people need answers! That’s really cool of you. Just to flip this thing around though, I think death seems like a pretty nice reprieve from this rough old world, and instead of looking at it like a sad end to living, we should use it as an incentive to do good work while we’re here and still kickin’.

Live your life in such a way that you deserve a rest at the end; go out, get good stuff done! If that good stuff involves drinking some of the good stuff along the way, all the better, because that’s one tasty way for you love thee.

4. Me: “What s…”

Google: “What should I do with my life?”

Drink whiskey! Drink whiskey with women! Drink with the Whiskey Women! Besides that, I’d personally suggest that you just try your best.

Try your best to be kind, don’t lie, put bad stuff in a bucket, and know that in the end, none of us really know what we’re doing.

The point is to keep on living. Wake up in the morning, brush your teeth, go out into the world and answer the questions you can, ask the questions when you don’t know the answers, and take care of yourself.

There you have it, Whiskey Women. Go try out your own Google interview, and let us know if you discover anything interesting. I’m never good at saying goodbye, so I asked Google how, and this is what it gave me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yb2NW3QfonI

Enjoy that.